We're not alone!

Last night at the evening service at Stonegate we sang "Never Once" and I wanted to share it with anyone who may come across this blog.

I have not posted for quite some time and it has mainly been due to my thought that some time away would be good for me to process everything that is happening or will happen in the near future for my family.  

This song captures alot of how I feel and have felt over the last couple of months, and the comfort that is found from remembering that my family isn't ever alone in this.

"Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You’ve done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Carried by Your constant grace
Held within Your perfect peace
Never once, no, we never walk alone"

unknowns

As my family prepares in the coming week(s) for our newest member's arrival, I cannot help but feel a deep sense of excitement for Ian's entry into this world, and anxiety for the things he will one day encounter.

I, myself, have anxiousness about my own life and where God is taking me.  

There are more questions than answers the older I get (which is still a spry 28), and I have come to the conclusion that one's grip on such things doesn't necessarily come with age, but with experience.

I may be young but God has provided many life experiences that I did not appreciate at the time but understand now.  I am lacking in knowledge of many things, but that is not as frustrating as not understanding some things.

Those unknowns; the ones that leave you with endless questions, sleepless nights, knots in your stomach, headaches, and a general sense of being cycled through a ginormous wave that has you trapped just beneath the surface; that is what drives me nuts.

It is not a lack of trust in God's provision or is ability and desire to take care of me and the ones I love.  No, Lindsey and I have seen God's hand provide for us in the midst of much worse things, but it is the unknown that makes me concerned.

The who, what, when, where, why, and how of life that has more holes than answers and having to endure while left powerless to control any of it.

I am ok with God being in control.  He knows I would jack it up anyway, so I am grateful.

I just want to understand...

I know I should not be anxious in anything, but pray in everything, I know that God has a plan for those who are called according to his purposes, I know that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, and I know that faith is not seeing but believing.  

But there are still plenty of unknowns out there and at the end of the day...

I just want to understand.

To my wife

There are likely close to 7 billion people on the face of this planet.  Approximately 311 million in the U.S., 25.5 million in Texas, and 112,000 in Midland.

If there was ever present day proof for those who doubt the grace and providential working of God, the fact that I am married to Lindsey is a great example.

Some of you know me fairly well, and some of you not at all, so I will outline a little picture of what my wife deals with.

In our almost 7 years of marriage...

She has married a guy that weighed 250, ballooned up to 270, and has weighed as little as 181. He has been in and out of the ER with chest pains and health scares, been on and now off of high blood pressure meds, and now eats a diet that primarily consist of things she doesn't like to eat.

She has given birth to our amazing 2 year old Eli, and is a fantastic mother.  Patient, loving, nurturing, fun, always teaching, and extremely consistent.  She is everything I could have ever wanted from the mother of my children, and Ian will be joining the mix in July/August to make us a family of 4.

She has been a ministers wife from day 1, and knows the challenges this title carries. She handles it with grace, and has never ceased to serve in numerous ways in whatever church we have been in.

She has tolerated a man who decided to take up BJJ and MMA and operate a travel agency.

She is an awesome teacher!  She spends countless hours preparing and ensuring her 3rd graders not only get ready for a test, but that they go into 4th grade more mature than they were at the beginning of the year.  She treats them like humans and gets the same from them in return.

All this to say, my wife is all I could hope for and so much more!

She loves me, loves our family, and I love every moment I get to share with her along the way.  How she deals with me is fairly miraculous, and how I end up getting to spend the rest of my life with her is even more so.

I love you Lindsey!

longing

I long to be where you want me to be, to do what you would have me do, to speak what you would have me say, and see what you want me to see.  

I desire to be closer to you than the breath in my lungs, than the heart that beats within my chest.

Yet at times you feel so far away.

I hope for my direction to be clear, and my mission to be as crystal before my eyes.  I crave to be in step with the path you desire for my life and that of my family.  

Let me hold tight to that which matters most, and hold on loosely to the ever changing things of this world.  To strive to store up eternal treasure and seek change in the lives of others that carries eternal significance, and put away the material and temporary things that give nothing more than an illusion of comfort and completion.

You alone are God and you alone provide every good and perfect gift I have.  I long to rest in you.  Come reside in this weary soul and fill it until it overflows.

Grateful

My life is pretty incredible.

I know it is not often that you may see that written on this blog, and it is not because it is any less true on some days than others.  It is simply not something I focus on enough in my writing.

It is easier to just rant and be upset about things I think are wrong or messed up whether that is with the world, people, the Church, etc. 

Negative is so much easier to write than the positive...sad isn't it?

In 27 years I have been blessed with:

A mother and father who raised me in the church

Influential mentors

Caring friends

An amazing godly woman that I am still sure I don't deserve (reminder of grace)

A beautiful baby boy with another one on the way (Eli, 2 and Ian, still baking)

College education

Supportive Extended family

My own house at 24

Financial freedom beyond my imagination

Working in the Church

The ability to train and compete in a sport I love (Brazilian Jiu Jitsu/MMA)

and this list could go on a while.

This is just a way for me to slow it down and take a long look at what I have to be grateful for.

What is it you are grateful for today?

anxious

God be clear.

Please let your direction be as plain and clear as the light from the sun.  Let it cover my soul like a hard rain covers the earth, and speak softly into my soul to calm my anxious spirit.

God be clear.

Show me what it is you want to from us, and call us to something great for the sake of your kingdom.  Let us be apart of your great plan and exalt you everywhere we may go.

God be clear.

Do not let me live out of a spirit of fear or timidity, but one of power and wisdom and boldness Father God.  You're the One who dwells within my heart and knows the desire I have to glorify you.  Open doors for that desire and passion to pour out on those around me.

God be clear.

Do not allow me to lean on my own understanding or reasonings, but move me to take leaps and bounds out of the faith I have in you.  Faith is no small thing and forgive me where I have treated it as something that ought to be convenient to me rather than to serve you.

God be clear. 

Please do not leave me be, but always continuing your work you started in me.  Help me to be the man you want me to be; the husband, the father, the follower, the son, and the minister you wish me to be.  Be clear and speak into my thirsty soul and satisfy my spirit once again.

Unseen

I know you're there, 

always guiding, directing,

always saving and blessing.

Your correction is as never-ending as your grace

and your love as overwhelming as your wrath.

You speak in silence

lift up the hopeless

give strength to the weak

you forgive the unforgivable 

love the unlovable

heal the incurable

you're always there.

Even though I can't see you

I see the things of you.

I see you work in me 

I feel you stir up something new in me each day.

You have purpose that is sometimes as unseen as you face

but never-the-less I know there is a plan.

Faith is not seeing

it is simply the practice of believing.

In things unseen I will believe and proclaim,

and in you I desire to remain.

Solace

You know it will happen, you see the result miles away

falling and falling you watch as I stumble down.

You don't stop it from happening, you don't prevent the harm

you want to see my response, and observe how I respond

It is when I fall you pick me up, 

but not before lessons are learned

and I need you to fill my cup

You see me run towards closed doors time and again

knowing the frustration I will encounter

you watch as desperation grows in my soul

and I cry out for you to show me the way.

It is when I run into the doors that you point me to the path I need

when I'm at my wit's end you open up options never before seen

Only then do I see the desires you have for me.

It is never what's expected

and rarely understood right away

your ways our not ours

and we're grateful for that most days

Let us be glad that you have it worked out

to the benefit of those you hold dear

give thanks to the creator of all

give thanks with a great shout.

You alone are God!